PLEADING INSANITY !

"gimme a chance at least please i beg you just this one time " i pleaded,"no anurag its like this you can't change you are and will be like this forever".
well what can i saay firstly i don't change for anyone not even for myself i am as i am and i am proud of that and isn't it derogatory to ask someone to change i didn't ask you to, then why do you ask me to.
i agree i am wrong sometimes but then that doesn't mean i am wrong all the time or does it does one action has to govern everything does that one isolated incident makes you feel so low about my character, that one evening i know i did very crazy rather stupid thing but then i can't feign remorse over something which i don't feel i can't i just can't . i thought she was more than a friend to me but her silent withdrawal left me perplexed.
i was told once and i have now understood however pure your integrity is no one in the world would care but the world will see your reputation and decisions will be passed irrespective of the fact that "the" person passing his judgement is capable or not
blasphemy no it isn't its the way the society functions i have understood it finally.
yesterday i was suggesting my friend that choose friends carefully and loadsa sermons on that stuff i thought i understood the blue blood of this society better than anyone else but i have also had my share of failures thank god i didn't fall in the group of artificial friendships in the first semester i almost had.

she once had asked me if i would help someone in distress i vividly remember my answer because it was such a question that thwarted me i had never thought on those line but the answer was pretty straight if that "individual" asks me then yes otherwise no although i am not an altruist. she was nonplussed as if i had done a crime. well she never understood me in the first place then how cani make her understand i can't i can't reason for people i can't fight their battles i am too much egoistic for that.
why do i have to fall in love with that person who understands me the least why whay ?? afterall the person who is so different from me
maybe its the being different thing which entices me i think she makes me complete in an odd sorta way she would complete me remove my flaws dare say i have many i don't indulge in self love but i am confident of myself usually stupidest reasons one can find i can't help them i had lost ages ago but my ego refused to face it and in the aftermath the destruction had begun
every time i saw her with someone else the dead snake would rise its not jealousy for heavens sake its apathy something which runs more deeper the desire to hurt myself grows i can't help it a victim or a sadist rather frustrated over something i can't have or the fact that loosing pisses me off more than anything could be anything
i can't live i this immature society any more I've lost it i have lost the will to live
yes i own up i say it to everyone who cares to listen i admit i have loved her since that first time she stood besides me the first time i saw those dreamy eyes
with a question in my eyes what if??





on these counts i plead insanity .......will it be mine
ain't i a good liar
if you have survived
ps: crap at 3:00am got nothing better to do maybe shashi tharoor will help me out

INCOMPLETE

nothing matters i am just phase, it just leaves a blemish mark on the memory
my dreams hallucinations
yes i am schizophrenic
its my world some day i'll also say 'I DO '


::WOULD YOU::

Keep a secret if i told you one?
Hold my hand?
Study with me?
Cook for me?
Love me?
Date me?
Loan me some money?
Talk on the phone for hours?


::HAVE YOU EVER::

Lied to make me feel better?
Wanted to kiss me?
Wanted to kill me?
Broken my heart?
Thought I was unbearably annoying?
Hated me?
Wanted to tell me something but didn't?
Wondered about my sanity?
Wanted to do something to me?
Wanted to slap me?

::WHAT IF::

I died:
I kissed you:
I fell:
I lived next door to you:
I was drunk at a party:
I showed up at ur house unexpectedly:
I stole something:
I was murdered:
I was sleepy:
I cried:
I asked you to marry me: :P
I was hospitalized:

::CAN YOU::
forgive me....
understand me....
live for me....
hear me out....
pat my back....
kiss me on my forehead....
forgive me ....

already dead

Life's short and I’m smoking it away,
who gives a damn, i'm dying anyway,
slowly, painfully, in this godforsaken ghetto
breath by breath, blow by blow

the red glow at the tip of my fingers
is the only thing alive, where gloom lingers
twisted in agony, by mandatory sacrifice
from the ashes, will a phoenix rise?

with my soul at stake, the dice rolls
in the fabric of reason, there are gaping holes
with every puff, a fleeting moment of bliss
what's the use, life has lost it's fizz

my bastion of principles, is riddled with holes
betrayed by society, compromised by moles
i fight a lost battle, to retain my hold
my soul haunts me, stand up for what you think, be bold.

i envy them, who traded their principles,
for gems, jewels and glittering metals
they live in comfort, oblivious of the world
for it was their soul they sold


Compromise it is then, but why

i pity them too, for that's not life
measely cogs, in the mechanized strife
die or be tied to a yoke,
death i choose, and so i smoke


betrayed by loved ones,
never was she mine,
offered my soul, ridiculed at mine
wonder where my narcissism is
yet again i smoke
is it the beginning of the end?
is the fate of albatross sealed?

DAMN!

this is not my first blog but i'd rather
this blog is just for me and to vent out the stuff which is blobbing in me for some time nothing else pure anger expect nothing less