blood

one more setback happened
i had decided to donate blood to the blood bank which is visiting my college. with a emotional heart :P
i went to donate it. after filling the forms and all crap stuff when it was my turn to meet the doctor she asked if i had any long term illness i said yes i had contacted jaundice when i was in 10th . i was infected for say 10 days. that's when she dropped the bombshell said 'anurag you can't give blood since u had jaundice you can't give it ever its a permanent deferral' i was shell shocked its like someone says 'you have aids ,
your goddamn fucking blood is infected you even can't give it to someone '
not even someday if someone close to me needs it i just can't

Public transport , an orgy

At some point of time we all must have traveled by some public mode of transportation. lemme share with you some of my weirdo experiences

I was in class xii when this happened so here it goes
waiting on the station for the rickety chapra express on the lucknow station, the train was scheduled to arrive at 6 30 am but after some time they announced the train was late by an hour i was dejected. thanks to the booming population i had to sit on my suitcase . I was a bit senti as i had left my home early in the morning then i saw this poor girl must be around 7 (the same age i was packed off to school) and as i was looking at her she came to me to ask for money i didn't know what to do so i hushed her away on the pretext of buying water. when i came back she was doing her usuall rounds going to people. my eyes couldn't leave her, everyone shooed her . it was just too much already my eyes were half watery (how ever tough u may be but when u leave home your eyes do get wet ) i went to her and gave her 50 bucks and came back sat on my suitcase fished out a book from my rucksack.
after say 10 minutes there were 10 kids surrounding me !!
what next u can imagine

six months later
while returning from mumbai i was sitting next to this very cute girl we got into a small talk and somehow the hours felt like minutes then something happened i fail to understand even today something i said or something i did she said ' what are you hitting at i am married' and poor me i was hell embarrassed Kodak moment for sure

i was traveling in a bus with my sister she was at the window seat i beside her and next to me was a woman wearing a burqa with a toddler in her arms halfway through the journey her head would fall on my shoulder i was so exasperated but didn't have the guts to say anything my sister saw this and the next time her head touched my shoulder my sister pushed her away and gave her such looks only 2 women can understand perhaps but thanks to her that woman stayed inches away from me.

I was in a bus with a friend returning from world book fair when a drunkard boarded the bus . a group of fellow passengers threw him out from the window while the bus was gaining speed for a second i was like what the hell but then i started to laugh at the scenario

Traveling in bus i was sitting on the last seat. unfortunately i got a seat ,anyway after sometime a group of women boarded the bus . one sat next to me there was place for one the second one squeezed in between chalo theek hai afterall its india and the third one sat on my lap !! i said " hello, you are sitting on my lap please do you mind" she said "i am not sitting over you" absolutly hilarious then i tried to wiggle out of my seat but you know buses in delhi i couldn't move an inch some of my friends saw this and started laughing uncontrollably instead of helping me out. finally i managed to move out and then the guts of that damn woman she actually thanked me for giving her my seat and even said nowadays we don't find people like me who would leave a seat for a woman . like hell i would or care nevertheless i decided next time someone pulls this type of crap i will give it straight back to that person


another incident while in bus we were returning from auto expo 2007 and were in high spirits as our stop was coming closer we decided to move towards the gate. in the process one of my friends accidentally tripped on a girls dupatta and fell over her and her mother became so hysterical cursing us. we were hoping she wouldn't create a bigger scene and gather a crowd duly apologized and left

I was returning from my relatives place so took an auto till college thinking its time i say goodbye to buses but no my fate has something else planned a damn eunuch stopped the auto and sat next to me. i was like huh ok . he/she asked me what the time was i took out my cell and told the time. the next request was can i use your cell i have to make one local call i politely declined said i don't have much balance. next 10 seconds were crucial i was contemplating what to do and the next thing which happened was he/she grabbed my hand! i was shell shocked immediately i pulled back my hand he/she said "what's wrong in this " i said get away from me and i asked the auto driver to lessen the speed and jumped out
A Narrow Escape indeed

I was at the varanasi station going to board a train back to home on the over bridge i had a sky bag and a rucksack out of no where a group of eunuch es surrounded me and asked for money luck for me i took mom's advice and my walled had only few wads of currency i said i don't have anything. they started laughing and one of then said a few censored words
i just ran ran and ran and the people over there they saw i was surrounded but on one came to help me out damn this junta

hmm kaafi bore kar diya i guess
that's all for now lets see what the future holds :P

lost in the milling crowd
i see a ray of light
with a promise of a beautiful morning
step by step and i stop
the oracle of night whispers
forbidding the bleak escape attempt
the dark temptation is overpowering
A third voice chants
do it now, shed those inhabitation s
or hold your peace forever
the earth is soft
my legs are weak ,they falter
i fall with a thump
with sand cushioning the blow
the darkness has me
the rising sun is inches away
is there hope?
all's lost ?
not yet not yet

time

ah! wish i had completed those unfinished drafts earlier now there seems
like only eternal bliss could revamp them the age old virus " gaming bug"has
claimed its
new victim :( and totally at its mercy lets see.
but for now exams getting over tomorrow i am going home !!
a long time although this trip has been labeled by few people as
my 'kabab trip', i don't mind .
a much needed break from work :P next post coming up after the kebab trip

sweet nothings

Knock knock! I woke up with a start thanks to a weird dream my mood was somewhat hazy. Rubbing my eyes I opened the door there stood a woman olive skinned in a saree out of the blue I was surprised but when she stated her purpose I allowed her in. As she began to comply to her chores I fell on my bed with a thump. This woman suddenly carved her way in my mind I looked at her again saw her face instantly her big pearly eyes caught my attention, her beautiful face it shone with innocence and a passion for living. She can’t have been older than me for there were no freckles or wrinkles. She looked at me with those big watery eyes I averted my gaze for it is not proper to stare at someone.
She sat next to my almirah looking aimlessly here and there once a while her eyes met mine as if questioning why me ? I don’t know what went into me but for that one instant I felt like exchanging places. “Let all her hardships be mine” I pleaded to god wondering if there’s one would he listen to me?
She asked me for water, if it had been up to me I myself would have served her water and would had forced her to rest god she looked so strained. Maybe she was oblivion to the face that her body is not meant for physical work. She asked again for water oh! I squealed I had been lost in my thoughts for too long I gave her the bottle and showed her the way to the water cooler.
Still feeling too lazy to get up my thoughts wandered what her life would be like. A thick line of Vermillion crowned her head she must have never known her childhood what’s there in her life how does she live in conditions which are so …. Not even describable

Had I been an artist I would have painted her
Had I been a photographer I would have shot her
I can see her face in flashes which are so random and out of the blue
My eyes search for her everyday just for one more glimpse

She’s a day laborer, she was ferrying cement and bricks for the air conditioner people in the hostel.

Its been two days since I have seen her.

If it means i am a chauvinist then perhaps i am for i can't see a woman work its simply not her job.

One day i will....

outburst

i can't understand why are u saying sorry what for what have u done nothing. the fault is mine clearly i am in no league with you one says what he feels you have said for yourself perfect . this is a democratic country after all one has the right to speak his mind and if the other person doesn't like it he better debate but i agree with you completely totally and concluded its all my fault neither yours so quit saying sorry and one more thing i don't want your pity for heaven's sakes. u don't have to stoop to my level otherwise where is the all so godly distance so please don't embarrass yourself any more there is no need to after all who vouches for us lesser mortals in life people have only one thing open to them to choose with whom they want to associate , people have different paths such paths may meet at a point but not for long and if they do then its too crowded for them to walk they liberty, the freedom is lost u have chosen yours let me choose mine i plead insanity ...... at least let me have that

the mercedes came to halt. i heaved a sigh not audible enough yet it could be felt . I opened the door got out looked around the hills which surrounded us,standing i the midst of the valley filled my heart with ovation. with a lump in my throat i opened the back door of the car my daughter was sleeping with her head in her lap as she was working on her lap top .the time has come, unexpectedly she woke up with a start to the cool breeze of what was going to be her home for the next 7 years . like father she'd be educated in a boarding school the very best i had decided ages ago and had dreaded this day but it was necessary .

solitude

finally i have found a place where i can see the city lights, without being bothered by other people i can sit through hours and just look just watch just think about my life
my ways, my habbits my reflection and my integrity . well, living in noida that too in a hostel and to find such a secluded place is like an entrance through the pearly gates opened only for me.
the place is a heaven in night ,believe me purring of vehicles , lights of the highway shining bright i can see the guards but they can't see me although the place i am at is supposedly offlimits to students but since when have i given a damn to the rules !
i do it untill i think its wrong , anywaz the one question which still lingers my mind is whether i am a loner ?

i like being alone at times i like being alone because its only when i can hear myself i like being alone when i am tired of the world and its worldly ways
and nowi can't even see :P

PLEADING INSANITY !

"gimme a chance at least please i beg you just this one time " i pleaded,"no anurag its like this you can't change you are and will be like this forever".
well what can i saay firstly i don't change for anyone not even for myself i am as i am and i am proud of that and isn't it derogatory to ask someone to change i didn't ask you to, then why do you ask me to.
i agree i am wrong sometimes but then that doesn't mean i am wrong all the time or does it does one action has to govern everything does that one isolated incident makes you feel so low about my character, that one evening i know i did very crazy rather stupid thing but then i can't feign remorse over something which i don't feel i can't i just can't . i thought she was more than a friend to me but her silent withdrawal left me perplexed.
i was told once and i have now understood however pure your integrity is no one in the world would care but the world will see your reputation and decisions will be passed irrespective of the fact that "the" person passing his judgement is capable or not
blasphemy no it isn't its the way the society functions i have understood it finally.
yesterday i was suggesting my friend that choose friends carefully and loadsa sermons on that stuff i thought i understood the blue blood of this society better than anyone else but i have also had my share of failures thank god i didn't fall in the group of artificial friendships in the first semester i almost had.

she once had asked me if i would help someone in distress i vividly remember my answer because it was such a question that thwarted me i had never thought on those line but the answer was pretty straight if that "individual" asks me then yes otherwise no although i am not an altruist. she was nonplussed as if i had done a crime. well she never understood me in the first place then how cani make her understand i can't i can't reason for people i can't fight their battles i am too much egoistic for that.
why do i have to fall in love with that person who understands me the least why whay ?? afterall the person who is so different from me
maybe its the being different thing which entices me i think she makes me complete in an odd sorta way she would complete me remove my flaws dare say i have many i don't indulge in self love but i am confident of myself usually stupidest reasons one can find i can't help them i had lost ages ago but my ego refused to face it and in the aftermath the destruction had begun
every time i saw her with someone else the dead snake would rise its not jealousy for heavens sake its apathy something which runs more deeper the desire to hurt myself grows i can't help it a victim or a sadist rather frustrated over something i can't have or the fact that loosing pisses me off more than anything could be anything
i can't live i this immature society any more I've lost it i have lost the will to live
yes i own up i say it to everyone who cares to listen i admit i have loved her since that first time she stood besides me the first time i saw those dreamy eyes
with a question in my eyes what if??





on these counts i plead insanity .......will it be mine
ain't i a good liar
if you have survived
ps: crap at 3:00am got nothing better to do maybe shashi tharoor will help me out

INCOMPLETE

nothing matters i am just phase, it just leaves a blemish mark on the memory
my dreams hallucinations
yes i am schizophrenic
its my world some day i'll also say 'I DO '


::WOULD YOU::

Keep a secret if i told you one?
Hold my hand?
Study with me?
Cook for me?
Love me?
Date me?
Loan me some money?
Talk on the phone for hours?


::HAVE YOU EVER::

Lied to make me feel better?
Wanted to kiss me?
Wanted to kill me?
Broken my heart?
Thought I was unbearably annoying?
Hated me?
Wanted to tell me something but didn't?
Wondered about my sanity?
Wanted to do something to me?
Wanted to slap me?

::WHAT IF::

I died:
I kissed you:
I fell:
I lived next door to you:
I was drunk at a party:
I showed up at ur house unexpectedly:
I stole something:
I was murdered:
I was sleepy:
I cried:
I asked you to marry me: :P
I was hospitalized:

::CAN YOU::
forgive me....
understand me....
live for me....
hear me out....
pat my back....
kiss me on my forehead....
forgive me ....

already dead

Life's short and I’m smoking it away,
who gives a damn, i'm dying anyway,
slowly, painfully, in this godforsaken ghetto
breath by breath, blow by blow

the red glow at the tip of my fingers
is the only thing alive, where gloom lingers
twisted in agony, by mandatory sacrifice
from the ashes, will a phoenix rise?

with my soul at stake, the dice rolls
in the fabric of reason, there are gaping holes
with every puff, a fleeting moment of bliss
what's the use, life has lost it's fizz

my bastion of principles, is riddled with holes
betrayed by society, compromised by moles
i fight a lost battle, to retain my hold
my soul haunts me, stand up for what you think, be bold.

i envy them, who traded their principles,
for gems, jewels and glittering metals
they live in comfort, oblivious of the world
for it was their soul they sold


Compromise it is then, but why

i pity them too, for that's not life
measely cogs, in the mechanized strife
die or be tied to a yoke,
death i choose, and so i smoke


betrayed by loved ones,
never was she mine,
offered my soul, ridiculed at mine
wonder where my narcissism is
yet again i smoke
is it the beginning of the end?
is the fate of albatross sealed?

DAMN!

this is not my first blog but i'd rather
this blog is just for me and to vent out the stuff which is blobbing in me for some time nothing else pure anger expect nothing less